1. "You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
3. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
4. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke
5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero
6. "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt." — Henny Youngman
7. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling
8. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni
9. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
10. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
11. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
12. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler
13. "Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns
14. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx
15. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen
16. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
17. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
18. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock
19. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
20. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson
21. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler
22. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano
23. "I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early." — Jack Benny
24. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown
25. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal
26. "Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David
27. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher
28. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason
29. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
30. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller
31. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck
32. One good thing about Internet dating: you’re guaranteed to click with whomever you meet.
33. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
34. Love is being stupid together.
35. You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
36. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
37. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
38. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
39. Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.
40. Love at first sight is cured by the second look
41. There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
42. Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion
43. Love is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.
44. You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry
45. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.