Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls : Funny Jokes And Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

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Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
- Tommy Cooper

Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
- Henri Matisse

Nelson Mandela, He’s been out of prison for 16 years and hasn’t re-offended. I think he’s going straight. Which shows you, prison works.
- Ricky Gervais

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
- Judith Martin

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
- Nipsey Russel

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
- William Shakespeare

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- George Burns

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
- Oscar Wilde

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."

"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."

"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."

What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
- Kevin Hart

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Don't like me? Cool. I don't wake up to impress you everyday.

I know you want me. You’re so right. I want you to leave.

Jealousy is a terrible disease please get well soon dumb!

My toughest fight was with my first wife. –Muhammad Ali

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
- Judith Viorst

Go home winter. You're drunk.

Sometimes i ask to my farts: "why now??"

I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
- Rodney Dangerfield

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.
- Brad Pitt

Me after 50 seconds of running: I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing.

My life is a bunch of "It seemed like a good idea at the time" moments.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson

Every night, it's an endless battle between Sleep and The Internet...

Can I ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?

Hardest thing to answer: Describe yourself.

The feeling you get after finishing your last exam...

That moment of joy when you find money in your pocket.

She- I love you.
Me- Yeah I love me too.

I wish I had a cute laugh but instead I sound like a dying seal.

I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Just before 10 second of that romantic scene - your parents walk in.

Things I'm bad at: singing.
Things I do a lot: sing

If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.

The awkward moment when the person you didn't want to invite somewhere, asks if they can come with you.

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
- Isadora Duncan

I'm too lazy to text, unless you're important to me..or you're hot or beautiful.

I spent my entire childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it kills.

Me: I wanna go on a diet. Food: Lol, no.

Money is not a problem. The problem is I don't have any of it.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear!

Don't make fun of fat girls, elephants never forget.

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- Oscar Wilde

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton

You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts."
- Oscar Wilde

Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker.
- Ogden Nash

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. - Jon Stewart

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- Leo J. Burke

Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.
– Benjamin Disraeli

Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- Stanislaw J. Lem

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog