Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls : Funny Mom Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

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1.) “Nobody loves me but my mother. And she could be jivin’ too.”
~ B.B. King
2.) “My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
~ Rodney Dangerfield
3.) “I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.”
~ Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
4.) “Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”
~ Rita Rudner
5.) “A suburban mother’s role is to deliver her children obstetrically once, and by car ever after.”
~ Peter De Vries
5.) My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*itch.
~ Jack Nicholson
6.) “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
~ Phyllis Diller
7.) “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
~ Calvin Trillin
8.) If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
~ Milton Berle
9.) “My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
~ Rita Rudner
10.) “The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.”
~ John Fiebig
11.) Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
~ Ed Asner
12.) A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
~ Tina Fey
13.) (From a prayer for her daughter): “…And should she choose to be a mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.”
~ Tina Fey (from “Bossypants“)
14.) “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
~ Tenneva Jordan
15.) “My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet. She’s now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.”

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

— Milton Berle

"My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up."

— Louie Anderson

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."

— Rita Rudner

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

— Steven Wright

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

— Wendy Liebman

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

— Phyllis Diller

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

— Paula Poundstone

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it! ~ Comedian Buddy Hackett
Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. ~ Unknown
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. ~ Unknown
Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. ~ Marilyn Penland
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement! ~ Florida Scott-Maxwell
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes, is parents. ~ John J. Plomp
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children. ~ Sam Levenson
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing, is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing! ~ Comedienne Phyllis Diller
The phrase “working mother” is redundant! ~ Jane Sellman
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own! ~ Aristotle
A mother's heart is a patchwork of love. – Anonymous

A mother's love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking. – By Helen Rice
A mother's yearning feels the presence of the cherished child even in the degraded man. – By George Eliot
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. – By Peter De Vries
All I am, or can be, I owe to my angel mother. – By Abraham Lincoln
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother. – By Abraham Lincoln
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. – By Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. – Spanish Proverb
And it came to me, and I knew what I had to have before my soul would rest. I wanted to belong to belong to my mother. And in return I wanted my mother to belong to me. – By Gloria Vanderbilt
Are we not like two volumes of one book? – By Marceline Desbordes- By Valmore
Becoming a mother makes you the mother of all children. From now on each wounded, abandoned, frightened child is yours. You live in the suffering mothers of every race and creed and weep with them. You long to comfort all who are desolate. – By Charlotte Gray
Before a day was over, Home comes the rover, For mother's kiss sweeter this Than any other thing! – By William Allingham
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. – By John Wilmot
Being a full- By time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love. – By Mildred B. Vermont
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. – By Oprah Winfrey
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. – By Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family
For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. – By William Ross Wallace
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – By Jewish Proverb
Great mothers build bridges instead of walls. – By Reed Markham
Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don't mean a thing. – By Toni Morrison
Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn, Hundreds of bees in the purple clover, Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn, But only one mother the wide world over. – By George Cooper
I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. – By Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford
I regard no man as poor who has a godly mother. – By Abraham Lincoln
I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. – By Abraham Lincoln
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. – By Attributed to Claudia Ghandi
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. – By Lawrence Housman
If the whole world were put into one scale, and my mother in the other, the whole world would kick the beam. – By Lord Langdale (Henry Bickersteth)
If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been. – By Robert Brault
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. – By Albert Schweitzer
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. – By Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. – By Phyllis Diller
Let France have good mothers, and she will have good sons. – By Nepoleon Bonaparte
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. – By Marcel Proust
Mom, when thoughts of you are in our hearts, we are never far from home. – Anonymous
Most mothers are instinctive philosophers. – By Harriet Beecher Stowe
Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world. – By Kate Douglas Wiggin
Mother – By that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries. – By T. DeWitt Talmage
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. – By William Makepeace Thackeray
Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. – By Marion C. Garretty,

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog