Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls : Funny Quotes Of The Day Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

Source:- Google.com.pk

Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.

Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.

If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’

Don’t pretend to know my pain.

Schmidt: “Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.”

Jess: “What are the sexiest holidays in America?”

Schmidt: “The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.”

Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?

Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?

Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.

Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.

I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.

Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.

Youths!

Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?

Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!

I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.

Schmidt happens. Thumb ring, bitch! You’ve got some Schmidt on your face!

I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’

Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!

What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.

Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!

You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen? What decade are we in?

Winston, you’ve been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.

I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.

Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: shut up.

I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.

Schmidt: “No sig oths.”

Cece: “Just say ‘significant others.’”

Schmidt: “Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.”

The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.

It’s only romantic because it’s a wedding. I’d be just as happy to sabotage, I don’t know, let’s say, her tax audit.

Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

“If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait…

The feeling does go away.”

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?"

~Scott Adams

“There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say.”

~Cyrill Connolly

“Don’t ever wrestle with a pig.

You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.”

~Cole Yarborough

“If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy. But the mud will never get glovey.”

“If you need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.”~Audrey Hepburn

“If you live to be a hundred. I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.”

~Winnie the Pooh

“If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.”~Earl Wilson

“What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?”

~Berlott Brecht

“The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.”

~David Richerby

“In God we trust. All others bring data.”

~Dr. Edwards Deming

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.”

~Jackie Mason

“I like work; it fascinates me, I can sit back and look at it for hours.”

~Jerome K. Jerome

“If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.”

~Joe Martin

“In mathematics, you don’t understand things, you just get used to them.”

~Johann Von Neumann

“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”

~Joseph Stalin

“After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say: ‘I want to see the manager’.”

~William S. Burroughts

“A conclusion is the place where you get tired thinking.”

~Martin H. Fischer

“I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that’s just the way I am.”

~Homer Simpson

“Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately, it doesn’t seem to be working.”

“Why does the air force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we’ve been bombing over the years been complaining?”

~George Wallace

“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

~Marie Von

“This sentence contradicts itself…

No actually it doesn’t.”

~Douglas Hofstadter

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”

~Albert Einstein

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

~Albert Einstein

“War isn't about dying for your country. It’s about making the other bastard die for his.”

“By the time you figure out all of life’s answers, they’ll change the questions.”

“It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a stray, worm-riddled dog, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won't sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs’.”

~Kathy Lette

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog