Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls : Short Funny Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog

Source:- Google.com.pk

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. "
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. "
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. "
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "
"How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’ "
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. "
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. "
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. "
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. "
"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. "
"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. "
"Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. "
"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "
"If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. "
"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? "
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” "
"Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. "
"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. "
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. "
"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. "
"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. "
"We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. "
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. "
"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. "
"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. "
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. "
"When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. "
"America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. "
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” "
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. "
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again. "
"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. "
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. "
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. "
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again. "
"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. "
"My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. "
"According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. "

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr About Girls Wallpapers For Kids Tagalog